By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
I never make stupid mistakes, only very clever ones.
When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…”
I am not fat, I am just. Easier to see.
Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
You can do anything, but not everything.
That moment when even Caps Lock can’t express your anger.
When you drop your phone, your heart hits the ground before your phone does.
I’m pretty sure my prayers go directly to God’s spam folder.
I like children. Properly cooked.
Need Love? … No… I would prefer vodka!
I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
I don’t make mistakes, I date them.
I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I wake up when I can’t hold my pee in any longer.
Kidnapping? I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.
The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.
I look at people sometimes and think… Really? That’s the sperm that won.
You’re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Good girls are bad girls, who never get caught.
When in doubt, mumble.
Be what you want to be, not what other wants to see.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Sometimes you just need some space… to fart.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Do what is “Right”, not what is “Easy”.
If you hurt my best friend, I will make your death look like an accident.
Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”.
All girls are my sisters except you.
They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
If you’re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual.
Hey, I found your Nose; it was in my business again.
If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.
I am not lazy, I just rest before I tired.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you can’t change a Girl… change the Girl.
I had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?
Think twice before you speak, you’d be able to say something more Insulting.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
At least mosquitoes are attracted to me.
If there is no chocolate in heaven…”I AM NOT GOING”.
She is so fake that she should have two Facebook accounts; one for each face!
The longer the title the less important the job.
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
I’m not perfect, I am original.
God made every person different, He just got tired by the time he got to china.
If “Plan A” didn’t work. Don’t worry; the alphabet has 25 more letters.
My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
You don’t realize how many clothes you have, until you wash them.
Dry fruits are just fruits that have become senior citizens.
God must love stupid people- he made so many!
Sometimes the only one, who can appreciate you, is you.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived in that situation.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
How do people write an auto biography? I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
I didn’t change, I just woke up.
All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.
I Was Born Cool, Global Warming Made Me Hot.
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
The greatest pleasure in Life is doing what people say you can’t do.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
If girls could read minds… Every second a man would get slapped.
You don’t have to like me after all, I’m not a Facebook status.
Do it today, It might be illegal tomorrow.
Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
Silence is better than lies.
When a woman says WHAT? It’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
I love my six packs so much; I protect it with a layer of fat.
The only thing I gained so far in 2015 is weight.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
You are so awesome that, my middle finger salutes you.
We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Don’t steal, the government hates competition.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
I never make the same mistake twice. Three or four times maybe. But never twice.
Weird is a side effect of awesome.
I am not failed, my success is just postponed.
I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Until I was thirteen I thought my name was ‘Shut up’.
Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.
That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
I don’t always have time to study… but when I do, I don’t.
I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
Some people just need a High-Five, on the face.
My girlfriend is like my iPad… I don’t have an iPad.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he needs more proof.
Before you judge me, Make sure that you’re perfect.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Try to say the letter “M” without your lips touching.
I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing and suggesting?
